Oh my gods. I really just can’t handle all of this right now. I’m really glad it’s Friday and I hope nobody minds if I have a quick rant…
Last night I took my partner with me to my therapy appointment. I am always anxious before the appointments, and I am always so awkward. I feel like anxiety makes all of the ASD things about 92% worse, and my awareness of ASD things (now that I know what they are) makes me even more anxious, and so on and so forth. By the time I’m in the waiting room, I’m practically shaking, my mind is going too quickly to process what is happening around me. By the time she (my councelor) comes to get me, it’s bad.
In the room, I don’t know where to look. I can look in her eyes, but I usually look away, stare at a place in the bookcase while we talk. I never noticed that I do this before I started learning about ASD. Now when behaviours like the eye-contact thing occur, I have an intense internal conflict. Part of me doesn’t want to look at her, and part of me is screaming to just make fucking eye contact because I know it’s weird to not and I know it’s a stereotypical trait of ASD and ‘are you trying to be more weird?’ Same goes for the stims that happen, the stuttering, the verbal repetition, the inability to translate thoughts into words, the inability to think beyond the moment, the shifty-ness, etc… I feel the things happening and they feel natural, but I know she is probably going to notice them. I know she is going to associate them with ASD. I wish I could control her thoughts so she wouldn’t be thinking those things about me, but the best I could hope to do is to just stop acting like I have ASD, which I can’t do unless I just don’t interact. So I have these entangled thought processes that lead to self-depricating thoughts. I get so worked up that the sound of someone walking by outside leaves me pressing my hands into my eyes or cheeks and feeling overwhelmed.
And my partner was there last night, watching all the things I was doing. He said they are all things I normally do. He said I did them before he told me he though I had ASD. I just don’t see it. The situation in the therapy room is so different – everyone is looking at me, so I look at myself. And I am embarrassed and frustruated with it.
All of these things are distracting. All of these things make me more susceptible to having an emotional breakdown during the night and day following the appointment.
And now I’m at work. I don’t want to be here. I feel nauseous at the thought of everyone else getting here (I always get to work at 6 am, while others arrive around 7-8 am) and walking around by my office door, or having conversations too close to it. I want to run off at the thought of engaging in conversation. I want to repeatedly punch my stomach, or run to the bathroom and vomit. I feel helpless and I feel out of control of my life – hopeless that this is going to happen for the rest of my life.
I’m gaining weight because of HRT, or maybe because I’m allowing myself to eat more. I need to resolve my feelings about it. I was trying to gain weight. Now I’m terrified of it. Maybe because it’s actually happening – the numbers are changing. I think my clothes are fitting differently, and it’s distracting. Something is rubbing differently here or there, a waistband is tighter, a binder that used to fit snugly fits too snugly. So I didn’t bring any lunch today. I didn’t want to deal with it.
All I can do is sit here. Just sit here in my office. I’m listening to Pompeii by Bastille on repeat to calm down and not have a melt-down. Maybe sharing all of this helps, too. I’m just so sick of myself. I’m sick of being so self-aware, having to participate in conversation and think about what is okay to say or just hear myself blunder through everything and pick out the instances of what I think are social abnormalities. I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of it but there’s no escaping it.
For the rest of my life I’m going to yearn for a connection with people, but for the rest of my life I’m going to be exhausted by trying to understand people. I wish I didn’t want that connection.
I don’t know if anyone has any advice? Any experiences? I don’t want to be trapped in this cycle anymore.