The Gym and Body Image

Copied from old blog

Originally Posted 22April2014

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I just wanted to state that it is amazing how quickly muscle mass can be put on with the help of testosterone. It is amazing and terrifying at the same time. I’m super stoked at seeing my arms, chest, and shoulders increasing in size, but it feels sort of uncomfortable and weird at times. Probably because it is happening rather quickly.

The weirdest is the increased size of my arm muscles, and how they interfere with the range of motion of my arm. I mean, they aren’t THAT huge, it’s just strange to feel the resistance when doing curls in the gym or just folding up my arm to itch my neck or put in my plugs. It’s a similar situation around my shoulder area and between my ribs and arms when my arms are in a relaxed position. It’s like I can FEEL them getting bigger and it’s freaking awesome — but feels like I’m in a strange body. It’s cool, though – I am TRYING to gain more muscle mass.

Another thing that I can already tell is going to be difficult for me is weight gain. I still struggle with some eating disorder-type impulses, so when I notice my body becoming more massive, I am almost always initially freaked out. Same goes with the numbers on the scale (I shouldn’t be weighing myself, but I do it anyway). Before starting testosterone, I lost about 6lbs working out in the gym. Now, a little more than 3 weeks in, I have gained them all back plus another pound. I know logically that this happened because I have gained so much muscle (my lower abdomen, butt, and legs are smaller, too), but I still freak out a little and it is hard to get myself to eat enough to sustain muscle growth. Maybe this is something I am just going to have to get over. I’m simultaneously afraid of eating too much and all of it becoming fat and of being more stocky and massive than before. At the same time, though, I’m so freaking excited about being more stocky and massive than before.

It’s such an interesting, frightening feeling to have, really. Maybe this kind of experience is something I needed to have to finally get over those restrictive thought patterns. I’m trying a new vegan protein powder, too, to keep myself motivated – new protein is some exciting shit.

Working out in itself takes some of that stress away, also. My conclusion is that it’s pretty much the best thing ever.