Copied from Old Blog
Originally Posted 20April2014
When I was 20 years old, I would record my body measurements daily. This occurred immediately prior to the discovery of my purging habits by my mother (who didn’t initially do too much to try to help) and my later admission to having ‘depression’ and request to be accompanied by her to see my GP (who referred me to an eating disorders specialist upon hearing how often I was vomiting).
So I have all this data and, since I have been on testosterone therapy for a week shy of one month, I figured I’d use it as a starting point to continue to collect and compile data regarding my physical transition on Androgel (esp. since there isn’t a lot of data about it in general).
Pre-Testosterone Data (compiled based on a range of values over about 6 mo.)
Weight: 132-138 lbs (~136 lbs 27March2014)
Chest: 31-32″ (32″ 27March2014)
Waist: 27-28″ (27″ 27 March 2014)
Hips: 37-38″ (37″ 27 March 2014)
Bicep: 10 3/4″
Thigh: 19 1/2″
“I told [my current boyfriend] about my gender identity issues and my sexuality. He responded quite well… It was a very good conversation that we had… I’m going to miss him. Genderqueer. Pansexual/Omnisexual. 🙂 I cannot wait to get my hair cut.”
I remember this period – I wasn’t sure about embracing my trans identity, but I had to start somewhere. I think that being genderqueer was much less harsh than saying outright that I am a man. It was difficult for me personally and I perceived it would be difficult for those around me. I was also very attracted to androgyny, so my natural impulse was to take it slow, ease in. I went to Wal-Mart with this boyfriend and he helped me pick out some masculine self-care products — like deodorant. I remember he was concerned that people would make fun of me for smelling like Old Spice Mountain Rush. I liked it, though.
“Can has headache? It is so hot. We spoke about France today. I am so excited to express my true gender. It’s the only thing I can think about. I want to go to Goodwill and get some clothes… I want a binder, need one. Maybe. It will be fun to present as a guy. I feel like it would be most natural… Well, maybe not a guy always, but mostly. Androgyny. Excited too much for my haircut. I am ready.”
My plans were to travel to France for a student-exchange program. It was the end of my sophomore year in college and I was super excited to escape my every-day reality and enter a magical land where I could be whatever I wanted with no repercussions.
While my ideas about France were brutally unrealistic, I was beginning to embrace my identity like I had never been able to before. It was like the walls of shame and guilt were being weakened in my mind from years of self-loathing, anxiety, social problems, and an eating disorder. I could finally peer easily through the cracks into the truth of my identity. It was an exciting and frightening time.
“I have this feeling that I can do whatever I set my mind to… Except get rid of my period. Seriously. I hate it. I suppose I am glad that I am aware of myself a little more…”
I think it was around this time that I came out to my eating disorder therapist. I was still struggling with purging and restricting my intake, but everything was brightening up for me overall. I still felt isolated and alone, but I had felt that way for pretty much my entire life (due to un-diagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome). I think around this time I was more serious about identifying specifically as male, rather than somewhere in-between (although I will probably always be a little in-between).
“OMG. I just bought my 1st binder… the Tri-Top from Underworks… only 36 bucks. 😮 Now I need clothes… Goodwill time.
I’m looking at coming out trans tips. I’m still not sure I can do it. I am pretty afraid.
Here are some ?’s to answer.
- What do you gain from disclosing?
- Is disclosing actually necessary?
- How well do your parents do w/ hearing hard news?
- What are their opinions on gender & sexuality?
- Have they been supportive of your past personal development needs?
Bah… not a good idea. I plan on spending most of my time in France as a guy… That will be my chance to try on the gender experience full-time… See if it is really going to be alright for me.”
I really was relying on France as an chance to have freedom of self-expression without the baggage of family’s opinions. It’s funny looking back on it now, because merely 2-3 months previous to this entry, I was relying on France as a chance to starve myself without the interference of my family or therapists. It’s dramatic, but I remember hoping that I would die there of heart failure or simply pass in my sleep from starvation. Coming out happened just in time, but it’s sad to think that I would rather die than come out to my parents and talk directly (with especially my Mother) about being transgender. I still struggle with this issue to an extent.
“OK… So I’m lying in bed thinking about my gender ID… Here are instances where I knew that I am male… age & specifics.
- ~4yrs – Playing w/ cousin. She was the princess/mom, I was always the prince/father
- ~3-5yrs – I.D. w/ Simba from The Lion King
- ~4-5yrs – Would role-play w/ 2 (girl) friends in S. Carolina… Always wanted to be the tall male Animaniac.
- ~10yrs – I.D. w/ Miguel from The Road to El Dorado
- ~11yrs – I.D. w/ Jim Hawkins from Treasure Planet
- ~10-13yrs – Wanted to wear boy’s clothing/wished I was male
- ~7-15yrs – Was the “Alpha Male” velociraptor in raptor tag w/ [cousin]
- ~15-17yrs – Self Mutilation due to body dysphoria
- ~15-17yrs – identified w/ male goths . Androgyny
- ~15-16yrs – identified w/ Davey Havok AFI
- ~10-17yrs(?) – Saw a TV special (Oprah?Maury?) featuring a transgendered FTM. I was jealous, but (embarrassingly) fascinated. Didn’t look into it.
- ~16-19yrs – Began to I.D. as gender-less “psychic vampire” due to my body dysphoria [see comments]
- ~18-20yrs – developed eating disorder due to gender/body dysphoria [see comments]
- ~19yrs – fell in love with C, an FTM transgender [see comments]. Still miss him.
- ~19-20yrs – was introduced to the idea of trans-gender vs. cis-gender, genderqueer, sexualities and general queerness [see comments].
- ~20yrs – came out as pansexual/genderqueer. considering an FTM transition.
Yeah. Nice list. =/ There were several more things (and I didn’t mention my dreams — in which I am always male or gender-less)
Maybe those things don’t “prove” anything, but that’s not the point. It’s more of an outline of things that gave me THAT feeling… THAT feeling being the one that is inspired by the idea of disclosing and becoming (physically) my gender.
I have felt the following about the previously-mentioned events:
I knew that I couldn’t show my parents my dreams, nor transfer to them my feelings. Despite everything they taught me, I was not their daughter, but more their son. Saying it sends chills down my spine. I’m not used to admitting these things. I’m used to trying to hide them and forget them.
HI, I’M GAY. I’M TRANS. I’M AN ARTIST, I’M A MUSICIAN, I’M A COOK, I’M A SISTER, I’M A BROTHER, I’M A DAUGHTER, I’M A SON. I’M A LOVER, I’M DEPRESSED, I HAVE PROBLEMS. I’M A MAN. I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE. AND I AM GLAD.
So you can deal with it while I live my life without shame, fear, or hiding. It’s like I’ve been trapped in a box, and my legs are cramped, the world is too bright, and people are too loud for all this gayness to escape.
Trans man. Loves Men. Loves women. Loves people.
Holy crap. Okay, so this was obviously a pretty pivotal point and I was pretty emotional. I cringe a little every time I describe someone as ‘a transgender’ or ‘transgendered.’ Please disregard that. Those are not correct ways to refer to a trans-person. Transgender is an adjective, not a noun. Transgendered isn’t anything. Now that that’s out of the way…
I wanted to bring up Asperger’s Syndrome, because it puts another light on a lot of the things I’m saying here. I wanted to mention that the ‘psychic vampire’ thing probably had a lot more to do with ASD than gender dysphoria (although being an ‘alien’ without gender was comforting to me as someone struggling with their gender i.d.). The big thing about being a ‘psychic vampire’ was that I had super-senses that were overwhelming and didn’t understand social cues but still felt a need to be around people that seemed counterproductive to me. I attributed this ‘vampire-ness’ to states of being completely overstimulated — either feeling overwhelming giddy joy/hyperactivity or anxiety/panic — and was unable to stand crowded or loud circumstances due to my ‘psychic sensitivities.’ All of these things are symptoms of ASD. Also, my eating disorder was an obsession that got out of control and had more to do with me wanting to look like a gender-less alien (as I felt disconnected with people socially) than wanting to look like a man (I did want my breasts to fall off or disappear, however).
In short, there were more things going on there than I realized.
“I just got back from Goodwill/Walmart. I went shopping… and bought a new wardrobe… I have never bought so many clothes at once before. I got $48 worth of clothes, then went to Walmart and bought a pair of shoes, undershirts and jeans for $50.76. It’s pretty ridiculous. I wear size 34-32 jeans. Woot! So fucking happy right now. I have to get rid of my women’s clothing. It’s so ridiculous. I think I know who I am now. It feels right. More right than anything I’ve ever thought before. I feel hot, sexy. I’ve never felt this way. I can’t wait until my binder gets here. It’s coming. I cant believe I’ve already spent over $120 on this. I guess buying a new wardrobe is expensive.”
“I know why I developed an eating disorder. I wanted to know how thin I could be. I always felt uncomfortable w/ my weight — always strove to fit in with the other girls. When I started starving myself, I was taking control of my life. I also wanted to be strong and powerful, so I started exercising. If the world ended… society ended… I would be fine because I would be used to having no food and needing to be physically active. When I was very thin, I felt less feminine — smaller hips, smaller breasts. It suddenly shifted from trying to please others to trying to please myself. To me it was all a conscious decision to have an eating disorder at first. I wanted this. I wanted to destroy myself. Then there was S, with whom I identified. Yeah… there was a lot of stuff in my head… It isn’t always pretty in here…”
I wanted to be thin to be more like a guy I liked in high school. I didn’t like my body and, since I couldn’t be hyper masculine, I could at least be very thin and ambiguous. Controlling what I ate also gave me control of my life, which I felt was pretty out of my control. I could measure and count and keep track of things that wound up really making a difference in the way I experienced the world. The pain of hunger was something I could concentrate on, distract me from everything going on around me, and it was my secret that gave me motivation to continue to be productive in school – until it became the distraction.
“Despite feeling rather depressed, hopeless, and dead inside lately, today I feel a bit better. I realize that people don’t really care what my gender is. I realize that I can love myself no matter how people perceive me. My dream last night was a good one, about hanging out w/ M and P – being social – and it gave me some strength. I don’t feel too much like a stale cracker anymore, I’m trying not to… I do miss my friends, though. And I wish they knew me a little better. I wish I knew them a little better… I wish I knew me a little better too… And stopped being so afraid.”